Yesterday night I dreamed of some theories without images which bring me here in telling you my latest discoveries without academic restrictions.
That is to say how our parents influenced our personality formations.
________ Formation of notion of aging and growing _______
Each time when we need to leave our parents to try the independence (willingly or unwillingly) it formes a new personality. When it’s unwillingly, it becomes a flashback. The example of abandonment or unable to take care of oneself at a early age.
The age, the anxiety, the flashback of the unwillingness stays, so they can form a trauma. However if the leaving or independance was prepared and with big acceptance from the begginning, it was not a traumatic experience, then it brings growing.
How many splits of personalities each person might experience in one life span. Let’s say, mother and father brings two possiblities of letting go scenarios (the detach of the female and male part).
As a personal example : I was out of attention of my father when I was 7 and when I arrived around 14 I live school, far of my mother. Both my father and me see myself like 7 years old when I was already 30, a part of me can never grow in my father’s and my eyes, unless robotic reminding of what kind of behavior might be weird in my age. And my mom talked to me as if I’m always my 14 until I remind her that during my absence I actually became an adult.
Today when I see people grown up with good or bad familiy experiences, all of us have some sort of lack of confidence, or let’s say inner age issues brought out by unwillingness to grow in the past.
Without big traumatic experiences, people still can experience mild seperations of their family memebers due to work or situational realities. Some people have both their parents love each other, still can have independant issues, because the micro seperation of father or mother during a short period of time while the overall they got really good care from both, the “imperfective act” brought great shocks.
An orphan man told me he dosen’t understand why people cry for nothing special. Because he experienced the worst in life, he even played the father for his younger sister, bring food back when young. Grown up, he became a confident person without a lot of traumas.
Why ?
Because he might had less unwillingness of independance even the tragedy was unprepared. However the age recognition might cause some scars deep within him. We always need inner cercles to hint us the meanning of our age, the peers effect in the family spectrum. Each opportunity for independance marked a mental print, taugh us who we actually are. The personality and the spirit of the age.
You can see it as : in life there are different exams that we need to face on. Yet, only by having small prepared exams, a person can grow steadily.
So there’s the question of an ideal education for a person during his/her lifetime :
If the exam of the person is to jump over a 5 meter long hole. Without methods, without ecouragement, without years of prepations, focus, appreciation of family and peers … there’s no way this exam can’t cause disaster.
- Traumatic experience is like, the person didn’t even know there’s an exam.
- Unwillness to change is about, whatever the person receive, he/she can’t overcome the fear due to lack of personal efforts (discipline) or lack of enviromental reinforcement (critics instead of encouragement).
But we know that nobody can ecape that hole, if you escape, it would chase you one day or another with an uglier form. The more we are afraid, the more holes we have to jump over.
The fear is that hole the trauma created, which is always possible and not that difficult to be removed, by working on that later.
Imagine that when you were 5 years old, you have some independance till 13 years old your parents gradually withdraw themselves from your life for preparition of the comming of your adulthood, each state you’ve a concrete recognition of your age growth. You form a personality which changes each time till your entire independance.
This process dosen’t happen in dysfonctional ones, because it often filled with controls (children are objectified as property of parent’s, or the parents refuse to see their children growing), or absence ( Overmaturity for the age, when I was young I’ve many elder friends because I think “I can connect easier with people 10 years older, I didn’t know what was the meanning of my age and I can be any age any time”. Completely childish when it was the moment not to be).
________ Formation of notion of sexual position _______
As a person we automatically have a gender when arriving to the world. However what’s the meanning of being a man and what dose it feel like being as a lady ?
Here I’m not going to discuss the adventage and differences of each gender. But only the influence that a familiy or a culture can bring us.
I didn’t understand why some women are always abused and believing that men can do everything, later I understood that is because of their parents.
Our parents gave us the model of how to play the gender role.
For a woman:
A father teach us how it looks like to be his lady.
A mother teach us how to behave as a woman.
For a man:
A father teach us how to behave as a man.
A mother teach us how it looks like to be her man.
Without reference of one or two sides, a person tend to not know how to play the role naturally. Is that bad thing ?
Let say, it’s not really a bad thing, it’s always easier to build from a white paper than following bad examples.
For gender role issues there are many exceptions as pure genetic factors influcence much more important than role playing sometimes, but generally speaking, that’s what I observed so far.
All problems evolves towards solutions, unless there aren’t any.
My tiny talks 