Last year I went to see a hypnotherapist, I told him all my confusions of life, he told me that what I did in the past was completely right in concerning to the cruelty, I definitely feel myself over did things in the past . But according to him, I’m just too kind and too emotional because most people don’t even give a second thought of that. The most cruel thing is lack of self compassion. He putted that as well.
But I do feel something’s not correct in the past that I did, for my best friend that we were together for so many years, once I understood she was totally lack of insight and full of prejudices in her opinions and failed to respect my boundaries ( destroy my books when she’s angry and behaved very possessive ), during a telephone call I told her I dyed my blue, she then decided stop being my friend anymore, for in her world, it’s a symbol of a bad girl.
Why should I tell her that I dyed my hair blue when in reality I dyed several meshes in blue, barely can be seen.
Maybe I feel lazy to change her opinion, and I knew by saying so she would definitely leave me. The her that she became upset me. Maybe I discovered the fact that she has a kind and nurturing nature still it’s not something personal towards me, she would write a letter telling about her crush to me but not even a hello in her letter, while I waited for her news or at least slight care of my side. No, nothing.
If only I say less, we are still friends today. Maybe. Now I don’t even know if she’s alive. As she’s the only one shared so many years with me with whom we witnessed everything holding a strong bound, I felt myself a criminal.
Probobly it’s a communication problem, I didn’t express myself that much in details about my deceptions, even if I tell her the complete reason, can things change better ? can she stop believing in that blue hair equals bad girls ?
Probobly no.
But I still think of this kind of things at times, why I feel lazy to due with difficult relationships, the laziness made me give up everything simply by saying something piss them off. If I don’t know her sensibility that’s alright, the thing is I knew it, I knew her better than anyone in her family. This made me regret a little, probably the best way to do was to let it sleep.
Via this little episode of my memory part, the reflection of this friend is still powerfully bright in my life, how much supports we provided to each other from our 8 years old till 17, her name’s Jie.
Jie’s life is incredibly crazy. Her parents were doing business in another city far, they let her live alone in an appartement at the age of 8 with a big amount of money, she needs to manage the money to buy food and cook and to live alone, randomly they came back, like once two months or even 6 months, but the money helped her out, she’s the “richest” child in class.
She would buy a lot of toys and share with us, I was her best friend, because I never want to go back home and she hide me to her place and even cooked for me till my mom dragged me home with tremendous rage.
Jie was a very innocent girl, once, she was targeted by the most famous drug addict of the city ( a woman into cocaine later was arrested ) that day I wasn’t there with her, she opened door to the strangers then was locked up by them on the balcony … the police solved this case finally after two months, this event was everywhere on the news, yet it wasn’t really effect her. She obviously had not much notion of money and loss.
One day she called me to her place after her parents fight. Her father dyed her mother’s mirror black due to the jealousy, they fought a lot that time. Then when I arrived, her parents left, I helped Jie to clean mirror pieces on the floor. Soon after they got divorced and Jie’s mother disappeared in her life. She was around 10 years old.
Her father used to tight her upside down to beat her on the back, she was severely injured each time when she showed me. I was shocked. She was still happy each time when he came back home but right after he poured all his rage on her without clear reason. With all the difficulties, Jie never showed sadness, maybe because she was too young, and me too I didn’t undersand how she was happy while my story’s completely nothing compares to hers and I was already a sad kid let’s say from my 10 years old.
She definately behaved like a possesive queen with me, she was jealous when I talked to the other girls, while she took care of me whenever I was sad and broken. We were good students in class, I admire her intelligence in the mess, she took care herself in every level and still got good scores. Then the second part of high school we had sea differences, her level of study dropped dramatically, so we were seperated in different schools, we still called each other and wrote each other then it was ended like that.
The last news of her was she quit school early, his father changed her name into a boy’s name, and he brought home an abandoned little boy from hospital and love him more than his own daughter. All those ridiculous acts due to the believe of his father after his visiting of a fortune teller. He was told any girls in his life bring him bad luck. Jie became the little boy’s real mother.
In my life I listened or observed many stories, not easy, and without overthinking, everything ended …. the others to me and me to the others. Maybe nothing I need to blame, I’m truly too lazy to put my ideas aloud to argue or to maintain relationship by huge efforts…
Recently my friends came to ask me : will you leave me one day like that too ?
Like what ?
Life is a phenomenon, friendships are choices.
you are friend with who you want to become.
I fought sometimes for relationships, I did that, sometimes it worked, it was hard, I pleased them, I felt tired completely tired. Short after, I quitted that complicated zone.
My logic is like this :
I can’t change others nor suggesting them to change unless I chose to sacrifice myself in that mess, I did sometimes but my energy is limited I’d regenerate each time for my own wounds because of the bad choices.
Maybe they are alright and I’m all wrong but if I adopt their version of value I would put myself in danger, so no for me.
That is self compassion indeed.
Sometimes I wonder, if Jie is still my friend I would probably accompany her for the worst moments or help her out. But I didn’t understand anything nor her difficulties at my 17 years old. I guess her later life mustn’t be easy.
My tiny talks 